Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea's topics - tribe.net

Nightmares make my life hell. Help!

2008-06-27T03:48:10Z

Hi. I can't stand it anymore. For 20 years I've had only nightmares...I don't remember having any nice dreams except when I was a child. My nightmares range from disturbing to gruesome, and they are every single night. I wake up every single morning wanting to cry, and spend my days half in my nightmare. Last night I had a nightmare about my boyfriend, and I'm having a hard time even looking at him today. They're so real, that I spend my days in limbo, with snippets of nightmares flashing in front of me. I wake up in the midst of panic attacks, in the midst of a nightmare that follows me around for the whole day.

Yes, I'm an existential wreck, suffer from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks....but how can anyone even have a nice day occasionally when they wake up with only god-awful physiological reactions, and gruesome thoughts/memories?

I posted for help on the lucid dreaming site. I don't know what else to try. Any ideas?

Thanks for any help.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 15 replies

what vice do you use to keep your terrors at bay

2008-03-11T03:24:45Z

and what happens when you lose the vice.
I know this is "duh" topic but I am having a terrible time with the smoking monkey. My mate, he wants me to quit, I only smoke about three times a day and have no desire to quit and though I go for days at a time without smoking and it is not a problem for some reason his desire for me to quit is charged and I am so defensive and angry. I am watching all of this, feeling this angst over being met with disapproval like some wacky punk faced teenager and I can't believe how I squirm. Is it just because he doesn't want me to smoke that I feel so desperate because it is bring some loathing of authority out, is it simply an addiction gone out of control. I am so tired of the inside of my brain on this matter. I have dissected every inch of why I like to smoke and why I do it and tried to cross reference it with his reasons for me to quit.
How many daemons were being kept out of sight with my smoke screen.
It is so un pc to smoke these days that I was really rounded out the edges on social outcast.
Good tool for separation from many forms of intimacy.
A punctuation of eating, conversations, tasks.
A cap to be put on a sadness or other unwanted feeling.
A time measure.
Has smoking always been considered a vice is this a new slant, another christian based tainting of what was once sacred.
I know cancer.
Any thoughts? Do all vices keep something back you wish to be protected from.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 18 replies

Is God In The Ground Crew?

2008-01-30T19:50:12Z

WARNING: This is trauma in the skies--if you are afraid of flying, this will not help you get over your anxiety.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7217977.stm

Here is a delay of eight hours that one can be thankful for.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

Black Dakini ~The Dark Face of the Void

2007-07-26T13:29:17Z

I am the black dakini, goddess of the Void
I am the night sky empty of stars
the lake without reflections
When I take on human form, I am wrathful in appearance
With skin and hair that is blue-black
And jewelry that is of jet and ebony

In a sky of deep sapphire blue
I sit on a lotus with petals of gold,
and a center of black velvet
When I have two hands, I hold the vajra and bell
When I have four hands, I also hold the noose and the goad
In my six armed form, I add the axe and the mala.

My true form is in the depths of space,
The vast reaches of silence
But with the sound of HUM I emerge,
in the form of a spinning black vajra edged in gold
Around me are HUMS like beads on a string
Spinning, exploding, shooting blue pearls of light
in every direction.

I am called by many names.
As Nairatmya, I am the dark face of the Void
the waves upon the lightless ocean
I am the crow-headed goddess, flying high
my feathers in black, green, blue, and purple
I am the black goddess of death
holding the world in my arms
as I return to the deep waters
I am the mother who brings forth children from dark nothingness
who watches their lives and their deaths.

I am a wrathful emanation of Vajra Dakini,
she of rainbow crystal
Yet I am also her origin out of the dark void.
I dance with my bhairava
to the drumbeats of the heart of the universe
And from our dance come millions of whirling comets
Who form the guardians of the vajra worlds
When the dance is stopped, the comets return
And the universe is re-absorbed into our footsteps.

I create from the void and call things back to return
I tear apart form and attachment
My nails tear bonds to ribbons
which dance in the winds of prana
Those are my prayer-flags, and the banners of my warriors
They scatter the shreds of karma
before the winds of the Void
To create the dances of the worlds

I may be of help to the aspirant, but I am dangerous
For I will take away all he possesses
If he gives them up gladly,
we will dance together in their ashes
But if he clings to them
He will lose his mind and his heart.

I seek only beings ready for full liberation
Leave all behind and we will find beauty
In the emptiness that remains.

http://www.buddhanature.com/buddha/blackdakini.html

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

short film: APT + Kontrabrand - The Litany

2007-06-22T21:10:04Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBsep4Xosk8

this is a short film i made in san francisco with spoken word/performance artist Chris Sia and Eugene Steele. It started out with Chris reading a list of all of these wartorn places in his van at Burning Man last year, and then he asked me to help him make a video, so we dug out a ton of samples and went to town.

our crew is A.P.T. (armageddon prevention team) and Kontrabrand is top secret, but suffice to say, you'll hear about it in the near future if you follow what i do at all.

enjoy!

dylan

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

Children and Fatherhood-

2007-05-21T21:02:02Z

Wondering if any and all of you could help me with something:

I am afraid of becoming a parent... not just because I see this world becoming a darker place, but because I saw both of my folks destroy each other. I'm fear being a parent who's child is uncontrolable, or worse yet, upon reaching some degree of maturity, offspring who resent me. I dread having a son or daughter who would embody everything I dispise about the world today.. .. .. and these fears are making a current relationship very very shaky.
Please Help.
Thank you all.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 16 replies

New Moon in Taurus

2007-05-16T19:07:25Z

The 2007 Taurus New Moon
May 16, 2007
3:27pm EDT, 12:27pm PDT, 8:27pm GT
25 Taurus 33
Written by Anne Ortelee

Cosmic Sneak Peak! Cosmic Sneak Peak!! Upcoming attractions! Our new Moon in Taurus on May 16, 2007 will give us a sneak peak at what our journey of Saturn through Virgo will entail. We are going to see a cosmic movie trailer of what our Saturn in Virgo journey will involve. Saturn in Virgo will ask us to work with or on our Saturn skills to develop, perfect, assess and balance Saturn's contribution to the world. We will become apprentices to Saturn while we work with him and through him when he is in Virgo. Now Saturn in Virgo doesn't officially "happen" until September when he leaves Leo and enters the sign of the skilled maiden and valued craftsman. However, like all things, our future is based on the choices and actions taken in our past and present. The New Moon in Taurus will cosmically sum up and conclude what we've learned from our journey while Saturn was in Leo and get us ready for our next step ~ Saturn in Virgo starting in the fall. Ready or not here it comes!

If you'd like a visual aid, cast a chart for the Saturn/Jupiter conjunction for May 28, 2000 at 11:05 am EDT Washington, DC (or your current location on earth and your natal chart). Make the Saturn/ Jupiter chart be the base chart. Next put the May 16, 2007, New Moon chart for Washington, DC against that Saturn/ Jupiter chart so you can see what I am about to talk about. Any planets that fall within 5 degrees of each other count as having an aspect! Pretty amazing eh? For those of you without a computer handy, SJ is the Saturn Jupiter chart, NM is new Moon chart in the paragraph below.

A) SJ Saturn and Jupiter are joined to the NM Sun and Moon in Taurus.
B) SJ Sun is joined to NM Mercury in Gemini.
C) SJ Mercury is joined to NM Midheaven (Washington, DC chart) in Gemini.
D) SJ Ascendant and Athena are joined to NM Saturn (Washington, DC chart) in Leo.
E) SJ Ceres IN VIRGO in the second house) is joined to NM Equatorial Ascendant, Part of Fortune and Ascendant (Washington, DC Chart) ~ what the whole point of the Saturn Jupiter conjunction in Taurus is for!
F) SJ Pluto is joined to NM Vesta in Sagittarius.
G) SJ Chiron is joined to NM Jupiter in Sagittarius.
H) SJ Uranus and Juno are joined to NM Neptune and Chiron all four are in Aquarius.
I) SJ Moon is joined to NM Mars in Aries. And those are only the conjunctions! There are a number of cross, square, trine and inconjunct aspects too! What a juicy and delicious New Moon in Taurus this one is going to be ~ pointing us forward and towards the purpose of the Saturn/ Jupiter conjunction that kicked off a new 20 year cycle in May 2000. Don't you just love astrology?

What the paragraph above means in English:
A) the New Moon elicits from the Jupiter Saturn conjunction of form, creation and earth in May of 2000, a new vision of what and how to move forward with that dream of expanding and building your life.
B) You can verbalize and describe what you want to do ~ put words to the purpose so to speak.
C) The communication and idea back in 2000 was a vision but not clear. The path is now laid out before you and offered to you, provided of course, that you want to walk it.
D) You see a strategy and an approach to take towards your goals.
E) You understand the various values of what you want, how it can serve you and others as well as how it has brought you to this place in time.
F) It is about going back into your soul or your heart's fireplace hearth for warming, finding and embracing the burning embers in your being and depths.
G) The old soul wound from before is bathed in the healing energy of purpose. If you hadn't experienced what you had to go through, you wouldn't be able to use it NOW to help others and create the life you want.
H) The whole point of life is to figure stuff out and teach others in the community and tribe how to do it too. We build on the shoulders of those who went before us.
I) Impatience is a virtue! While your emotions were fiery, passionate and clear in 2000, how to EXECUTE on your emotions and soul/heart call is clearer now. You are ready and able to take direct and concise actions to build your life.

The New Moon in Taurus illuminates what and how we are to do the next phase of our Saturn/ Jupiter journey. Often when a new cycle starts, we go "hmmmm how is that going to show up?" We look for clues in the chart of the conjunction to see what it tells us about the cycle about to begin in our world. Both Saturn and Jupiter joining in Taurus want us to make a concrete, earthy, solid, and valuable contribution to the world and humanity while they travel around the zodiac in their 20-year journey through the heavens. We were each born to serve a purpose as described by our chart. We are here to learn what our soul sought to experience by incarnating on the cross of matter at this time in human history.

The purpose of Saturn heading through Leo over the past few years was to SQUARE the 2000 Taurus conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn and get that conjunction moving along and creating things. The purpose of the square was to make you take action with, crystallize, clarify and clear OUT (via a crisis of consciousness or familiar emotional conflict) any old Taurus stuckness, slowness or plodiness. It was about giving yourself permission to do what you love. The square harnessed Taurus' bull. The square got the bull to plough the fields and plant crops. The square brought Leo sunshine, joy, creativity and love join into the mix of what you are creating in your life via the 20 year Jupiter/ Saturn conjunction. Now that Saturn has almost finished his journey through Leo, we've seen how our fixed parts required a bit of sunshine, creativity and love from us to help us make our lives. They are about as glorious and wonderful as our fixed parts can be right now!

So why is this new Moon in Taurus a sneak preview of our upcoming journey of Saturn in Virgo? Well, Pluto is inconjunct, in a Virgo style inconjunct, to the Sun and Moon in Taurus. We are learning how to adjust and transform our individual vision to create what we want. So often we don't understand the process of creation. We, by contributing emotional, intellectual and spiritual energy towards our wishes, help create those same wishes in form. Now, we can create easier stuff or harder stuff. We create what our soul said it wanted to learn about when we were up on the cloud before we incarnated.

And, like all things in astrology and the world, there are better uses of the energy and more difficult versions. How the planets show up on a good or bad day so to speak. Energy, as described by the planets in signs, houses or aspects are not right or wrong. They are only energies. We can use energy well or not so well. It is our call how we choose to use it. That is why we are conscious beings, so we can be aware of our choices!

The problem with the lunation chart, if one can call it a problem, is the Sun and Moon are sitting on the fixed star of Algol (aka Lilith ~ mem), bringing Algol's energy into the chart. Algol/Lilith is one of the nastier stars in the sky ~ associated with great tragedies: war, violence, disasters like earthquakes, fires, plagues, and the like. Algol was Medusa's eye on her beheaded snake covered head! Algol/Lilith is a blinking star ~ an eclipsing binary ~ which like a giant cosmic eye blinks for two hours every 68.818 hours. Additionally, our star watchers announced a major collapsing star right near Algol in the heavens ~ so we astrologers pay attention to THAT kind of news! Once we are aware of it, we integrate the new cosmic energy into the charts to see what they tell us. So a major collapsing star near the most difficult star in the heavens all involved in the new Moon lunation. Hmmm. Going to be interesting.

We can expect a sudden collapse of things as the way the Algol/Lilith energy will show up in addition to the usual Algol characteristics ~ literally transforming or disappearing in a "blink of an eye". When you hear people using that catch phrase about something that left their life, it is often Algol's position or action in their chart. As Saturn and Pluto are in opposition declination to each other, it will probably be structures that we think of as secure and safe ~ financial institutions, governments or corporations' as well physical building kind of structures. Going to be fascinating.

When Algol/Lilith is involved in a lunation or planetary picture, it often means we as a culture (or as individuals) must come to terms with violence and the darker side of the human experience. We don't have to STAY in the dark side but we DO get to go through it, witness it and watch it. We must confront and assimilate the harsher aspects of the human condition into our being.

So, confront your fears and look at the things you are afraid to look at in your life. Understand how they were part and parcel of how you got to where you are now. If you continue to embrace your fears and refuse to look at the things in your life that require looking at, you will have a long, and not particularly fun, struggle with Algol/Lilith while Saturn is traveling through Virgo.

The entire point of Saturn in Leo is to get you to LOVE your fears. The entire point of Saturn in Leo was to get you to look at your fears as the creative wellspring of your being even if you'd rather cut their heads off and kill them. Your fears are what drive you. So get to KNOW what your fears are and MORE IMPORTANTLY, understand how those fears inhibit or contribute to your behavior. That is really what Algol (Lilith) asks us to do ~ look at our shameful, embarrassing or difficult parts. Then we are to confront and assimilate these harsher aspects of ourselves into our being rather than giving them away to someone else. They are part of us! We need to claim them and take them back. Once we claim ownership, we can begin to work with the energies instead of having them flying willy nilly all around our lives being brought to us by the folks in our lives.

If, on this new Moon, you look at your fears, understand their source and acknowledge how they drive your being, Saturn in Virgo will be about learning how to productively work with your fears, (your karmic material) like a skilled craftsman works with basic raw materials, to get those fears of yours integrated into you and training them to do your bidding. We construct our lives out of those basic materials ~ what we fear and what we love.

If, on this new Moon, you avoid or let your fears grow or run unchecked or unfettered, Saturn in Virgo will be about your fears getting more and more critical, wild, crazy, worrisome or problematic.

It is your call. If you go hang out and work with your Saturn, he'll take care of you! As the lunation, with Algol/Lilith blinking for two hours every couple of days, lights up the Taurus Saturn/ Jupiter conjunction from 2000, work with your Saturn! The reason I've keep telling you to do your Saturn is because Jupiter can take care of himself. Saturn is why you incarnated. Saturn is for what and why you are here this time. Saturn is your job. Now, we tend to want to side with Jupiter and ignore Saturn. Saturn will not be ignored! He knows, even if you don't, that the reason you are here is to do your Saturn ~ all the other stuff is frills and sparkle and glitter and butterfly barrettes for your hair. The other wandering stars are decorations to support your core purpose ~ your Saturn.

The Sabian image for 26 Taurus is A SPANIARD SERENADING HIS SENORITA.
Lynda Hill's interpretation of the image is:

Commentary: 'A Spaniard Serenading His Senorita' is a lovely image of singing, music, romance and love. The 'Spaniard' pours his heart out to his beloved in the hopes that she will listen and respond to his advances. Beautiful words and music can lift the spirits and we all need a little romance now and then! The 'Spaniard' is 'Serenading' his love, his 'Senorita', who may or may not know the depth of his feelings. Whether she accepts his advances or rejects them, this will not stop him from celebrating his feelings in a show of emotion.

Oracle: In this situation there is no guarantee of getting your message across, but you must act if you want any chance of success. It is by being brave and confident enough to put our feelings on public display that we can convince others of our sincerity. It is possible that the worst that could be damaged is your ego, so think positively and play your role with enthusiasm and passion. However, be wary of any insincerity or coming on too strongly. This Symbol can also point to people covering up their real feelings because they are looking for a calculated response from another. This 'Serenade' should not be like some kind of desperate act, but, instead, an act of devotion and Love. True expressions of feeling can lead to grand actions and reactions. The situation around the question is full of emotion and passion. To say "I love you" or "I care for you" or "I believe in you" or "I trust you" to those who want to hear it makes it even more special and encouraging. The confirmation of deep feelings is rewarding to all involved.

Keywords: Looking through pretense. Shared feelings, love or passion. Spontaneity. Welling expressions of romance. Being in tune with another. Soul mates. Chivalry. Reverting back to the old methods of relating. Spinning tales to get a response. Knowing what to say and when. Music, singing, crooning, talking. Instruments. The use of the voice.

The Caution: A ruse performed to achieve a goal by deception. Lies, deceit and propaganda. Not believing messages being given by loved ones. Feeling like something is missing from a relationship. Superficial judgments how things should look or be. Emotional manipulation. Selfish agendas.

When love is not madness, it is not love. Spanish proverb

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed. Josh Billings

Music is the key to the female heart. Johann G. Seume

Latins are tenderly enthusiastic. In Brazil they throw flowers at you. In Argentina they throw themselves. Marlene Dietrich

If music be the food of love, play on. Shakespeare

You're the Nile, You're the Tower of Pisa, You're the smile, On the Mona Lisa. Cole Porter

Tell me about yourself-your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number. Peter Arno

The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot. Salvador Dali

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says, "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend." Anon

Faint heart never won fair lady. Proverb

For long time readers of my column, the Sabian Image reminds me of the Bullfight/Medusa story we went through in Fall 2005. Now, having completed our bullfight and slain our personal Medusas, we've moved on through the sign of Saturn in Leo. We've found and begun to embrace our one true love, our dear little Saturn. We will begin to Serenade our own lovely Saturn with passionate songs of creation, love and joy ~ and all the other Leo words. Get out your guitars, flutes, drums, pianos, or violins! Start practicing. It is time to serenade your new love with all your heart and soul. And, please know that you will be serenading your love in public, in front of the marketplace, your friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers as well as cranky folks who don't have a clue WHAT you see in your love and will criticize you. Yep, singing in the square, practicing with your Saturn, in public, for all the world to see! Start practicing! Do your Saturn!

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

getting old and becoming an absurd character

2007-05-10T02:23:59Z

when you are young, being eccentric, volatile, angular, having blue hair is cool. american society applauds you.

when you are old, being eccentric, volatile and angular (and having blue hair) just makes you an absurd and pitiful character. it's not like you're in a becoming state anymore. that's it. you are a funny-looking absurd character and you are going to stay that way until you die.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 25 replies

Happiness or Meaning

2007-04-23T20:59:31Z

Which is more important?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 5 replies

honesty

2007-03-10T21:48:59Z

okay, I guess I'll try this again. I got nervous with my last attempt to post. There is a wealth of knowledge and a depth of understanding, here in this tribe, that I find intimidating but I'm seriously seeking insight. And my own thought processes feel shallow and ill formed in comparason, but I won't compare at this point. I'm just trying to work this out.

My biggie fear (and it hasn't told me if it's existential or just regular, I asked it, I swear!) is honesty, openness and disclosure: all these things leading to connectedness with other human beings. Come to tea, lovlies.

I'm seeing this as a problem because aside from my much adored blood relations, I don't have friendships or relationships that have lasted over 3 years. A year is usually long enough for me to get uncomfortable with someone knowing me, or one of the many skins I wear. I have a closet full of personas, all elaborately constructed and maintained. And not just metaphorically. I love to be in costume. I love being unrecognizable and I love love love a clean slate, fresh start, new beginning, and not knowing a single person in a room. Being an introvert who is really shy and awkward socially is my real me. I'm an extroverted introvert, so peole who know me in RL might be really surprised to hear that. I think I come off as super confidant, exhibitionistic, flamboyant, gregarious, snobbish?? I don't know about snobbish, but usually I'm not trying to be friendly, especially in public places. I'm trying to maintain my anonymitity (butchered the sp) in a social context as long as possible because when I know too many people I feel compelled to leave. The other thing is that I actually make friends really easily. And I don't like being lonley. who does?? so... I have all these friendships that I take seriously in that I obesess about how others react to me, and did I offend? was I appropriate? what is our current interpersonal status??? and I feel the need to give give give and help and nurture and I feel guilty if any of these things are reciprocated. I don't know what's wrong with me. This is the part where my heart is pounding because I'm saying real things and I don't know if I'm doing this right and I want to appologize to anyone who is reading this. I'm so sorry!

The best horoscope I ever had gave me premission to take up space in the world and make noise.

So... at any given moment I am pretty much ready to drop my entire social group, sabatoge every relationship untill it's over and find a new group to drop into, and be part of for a while. But I do this over and over and over. It makes me sad. My guess is that it is a lack of honesty or even reality in my relationships that makes them unviable. So, tea time now. Welcome honesty. this small public display of honesty is practice, and I hope to one day use this tool in a real relationship. I posted something honest in my blog recently for practice as well. I listed it as friends only because even though it's the casual stuff of everyday living, putting words to my feelings makes me feel ripped open and completely vulnerable. People's reactions were overwhelmingly warm, caring, supportive, insightful, and paralled my openness and honesty with the same. so I flip flop between bliss and panic to that connectedness. ahhaha oh man!

It's definitly time to grow.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 18 replies

newbie question

2007-01-08T07:17:29Z

How do you know if your particular terror is an existential terror, or if it's a more casual, everyday terror?
in*joy!
emily

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 1 reply

How to Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea

2006-11-20T05:42:27Z

First, you must lure them into your house.
Leave a memory at your doorstep.
Make sure it is a dark one.
They will sniff it and come
running, licking their lips.

Leave your door open.
Go to that messy kitchen
of your emotions
And boil some water.

Take out your new tea cups,
and your best tea.

Don’t panic when you hear them
Sneaking into your house
And breaking things.

By the time you have poured
The hot water into your cup,
Your terrors will be sitting at your kitchen table,
Smiling with yellow jaws.

Take a deep breath.
Smell the tea brewing in your cup,
And walk towards your terrors.

Look into the void of their eyes
Until you can see
Your mirror reflection.

Then smile, as if meeting an old friend.
(This will confuse them,
Make them shrink in their seats)

Finally, let the kindness in your voice
Surprise them, when you ask,
“Would you like some tea?”

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 12 replies

Do you like me?

2006-11-19T04:36:24Z

http://people.tribe.net/timbo/blog&topicId=eac220ad-293e-47c0-820c-86cac7816d07

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 5 replies

Existential terror survivors at 37,000 feet

2006-10-03T05:09:29Z

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/03/business/03road.html

Yeah, one time I complained about how the floor was heating up my heat on a 747 to Hawaii. The stewardess assured me that "It's always been like that". Me feet got so hot I couldn't leave my feet on the carpet under my feet! I was seated by the wing...where the fuel line feeds from one side of the plane to the other... A few months later a Boeing crashed because of a faulty fuel pump and all the 747 in the series I had taken were recalled by Boeing...

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

Being the Existential Terror in Someone else's eyes

2006-10-01T00:55:28Z

What if someone views YOU as the terror?

What if you conduct yourself, lovingly, trustingly, compassionately?

What if you took them to tea, and it worked for a time, but now...

Ah, now...

Now I am the big bad monster, and I'm barely 5'4.

*Shakes head and sighs*

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 16 replies

Do you think some deamons are genetically encoded

2006-09-27T20:26:13Z

It's a question that I think gets mixed up in the nature versus nurture argument. I am pulling from the deamons I wrestle with that look like on going family patterns. I can see how in my family there are parallels generation to generation. I am concerned with how to break the patterns. Make right what seems like a karmic path of the family so they don't become my children's demons.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 17 replies

new

2006-09-27T19:20:26Z

Hi,
I am new here. I have been looking around at the groups and have been moved by many of my findings, people sharing and connecting but this is the first place I have come and really heard my language being spoken. I wanted to reply to so many things as I read the posts. A rare finding because most of my replys are mumbles under my breath that are never typed. Reading here made me go straight to my heart. There is a wonderful dynamic at work here and I am honored to be among you all. I am a terrible party guest, not so good with the small talk, I operate from a different place and the small talk rarely occurs to me. Sometimes I think it is a result of growing up with people who had no boundries, no respect for the nicities of life, just drama, drama, drama, and a litlle trauma and a lot of trying to figure it all out on my part. I think this is a party where I will be happy on any couch in the place. I raise my tequila and toast to you all.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 20 replies

From the mouth of Yoda...

2006-09-27T15:43:04Z

Paraphrased from the really bad movie I saw yesterday, "You must let go of that which you fear losing the most." Would existential terrors fall into that category of fear? If you invite them to tea are you holding onto them or letting them go? I suppose they don't have to accept our invitation, do they?

or to put it another way, is all we are just dust in the wind?

:-p

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 10 replies

How is your phobia a metaphor

2006-09-26T14:38:28Z

I have a fear of bridges. It stems from how it has connected the gaps between two centers of my lives. The anxiety of crossing over became so huge that it started to encompass all bridges. A metaphor for my struggle with transitions. A metaphor for how hard I find it to navigate between surface life and the ooze below. curious about others.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

The Fourth Dimension by John Grau

2006-08-08T00:44:21Z

a key on how to manipulate those little and big demons... ...

It seems to me that there is a lack of clarity over just what the fourth dimension is. And also on what exactly the Fourth Dimension does. In-fact, on many web-pages that I visit, I find an array of documents that say that the fourth dimension is the fragment of the whole Emotional Plane which is known as the Astral Plane – which it is surely not.

The truth of the make-up of the fourth dimension is veiled in the ‘impossible structures’ of mathematical artists, such as M.C. Escher, and which is quite brilliantly depicted his ‘Day and Night’ illustration which is shown below.

read more ; http://snoedel.punt.nl/TheFourthDimension/

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

Tough one-Caution! Heavy stuff inside!

2006-02-01T17:20:28Z

I have a surfacing fear that comes from a place of deep terror.
I have come to see that when I was sexually abused at 18, I was talked out of being myself, and talked into being all the things that this man chose to say I was. I believed his opinions. I believed that when he called me disgusting, I was disgusting. The same for me being a liar, a whore, a thief, and an hypocrite.

I am trying to come into a new sexuality of exploring kink and fetish, in order to face my issues around control and surrender. I think that by being guided, lovingly, by someone who cares for me, and does not wish me malicious harm, can do me a world of healing. I am in pursuit of this for my own peace of mind, not at the urgings of someone else.

I don’t expect anyone in this tribe is equipped to talk about this. And I am going to pursue talking to a therapist. But my deep fear here is not that I will be physically or emotionally hurt. It’s that I will abandon myself again.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 3 replies

When fears come true

2006-01-31T22:23:49Z

Every election day my worst fears are realized as more and more of the worst people in the world are put in charge of my country. As a person who believes in equal rights for all (which means that no one gets to be more equal by dint of their Christianity, sobriety, heterosexuality, or monogamy), I feel like a woman living in Saudi Arabia. Literally. Modern America is a nightmare, but every day I wake up and it's real. John Ashcroft is on the talk show circuit and people treat him as though it's ok that he's walking the streets. George Bush has suspended the Constitution and declared himself dictator with unlimited powers. What more can go wrong? Really, I'd rather take my chances with total anarchy.

I've literally been depressed since election day, 1994. The Clinton years didn't help much, since Clinton was such a sellout quasi-conservofascist himself. I wasn't even alive when it happened, but every time I think of what could have been if Bobby Kennedy hadn't been shot, it brings tears to my eyes.

Our civilization is in ruins and getting worse every day. My visions of a Pax Americana or a cooperative utopia are in ruins and getting further away all the time.

It is the worst thing I can imagine because it's a living death. I know that my life will be wasted in this awful era, and I will never get to see my country in a state that I can be proud of. I am forced to live in shame of my country and my fellow citizens. It fills me with rage, and embarrassment, and bitterness.

What do you do when your worst fear comes true? I'm afraid that for me it has brought out the worst, and has stifled the best.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 8 replies

My Greatest Fear

2006-01-26T07:05:15Z

I worry about the possibility that I will never be who I know that I can be.

This is somehow everything about me. I'm not really sure if anyone else will be able to understand it. It's one of those sentences that I wrote quickly and then thought about for a long time. It's exactly right in some way. It misses a great deal about me, sure -- it's far too analytical and not nearly pretty enough -- but it's trying to beautiful, and that is me as well. It's also a little pretentious, almost annoyingly so, but, well, that's also right. If I could just transmute it with the right sense of humour, man it would be something else!

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 11 replies

Big Brother

2006-01-17T02:01:11Z

www.spychips.com

How the Gov. plans to keep tads on us all.

Courtesy the Allen Handelman 'talk radio' show

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 1 reply

Infestations

2006-01-16T20:45:45Z

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/27/nyregion/27bugs.html?ex=1133758800&en=eff5e428b5798772&ei=5070

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 6 replies

terms

2006-01-16T02:33:51Z

one of my greatest fears is endings... and specifically ending things on my terms. I want to be the one in control when I flee the sinking ship and not be left blindsighted.

I got fired today - which is NOT ending things on my terms. I was hoping to put in my resignation next week - so it's for the best. But I'm having a hard time being asked to leave instead of telling them I'm going. You know?

I had a breakup that went kinda the same way. I had invested my heart and then he walked away... most of the other times I've ended a relationship I was on the 'dumping' side. It's hard. Hard to loose out and hard to be the one left holding the bag.

I hope this makes sense.. I'm a tad bewildered right now.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 3 replies

the censors

2005-12-12T20:14:49Z

Hello all~

The night before I got the message from tribe that I should remove my 'most possibly offensive' (according to the lawyers) photos, I was up reworking my profile & ADDING more explicit bondage photos ~ I laughed so hard, when the system went back up after a few hours of tribe maintenance & that message was in my box!

Nothing like some good ol' McCarthism to rile up the *anarchists* :)

I did comply & mark the 'more risque' photos private, as suggested ~ but I've also added a few choice photos of other 'taboo' subjects: scary insects, spiders & deep sea fish. These new photos are fully 'public', but, I suspect, more *disturbing* (to other people, I LOVE these guys) than the sexy pictures I was working on.

love all-ways,
mem

Wave of Obscenity Prosecutions Leads to Closure and Self-Censorship of Websites

October 20, 2005 - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has announced that his office will specifically target "bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior" in pursuing new obscenity prosecutions. The Department of Justice began recruiting in late July for a new anti-obscenity squad to pursue obscenity prosecutions, and the FBI announced in September that it was forming an anti-obscenity task force to crack down on pornography.

Any website that has content containing "bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior" should be forewarned that prosecution is possible. Additionally, Federal sentencing guidelines state that any obscenity- related punishment should be "enhanced for sadomasochistic material."

Forty people and businesses have been convicted of obscenity since 2001, and 20 additional indictments are pending according to Andrew Oosterbaan, chief of the Justice Department's child exploitation and obscenity section. There were only four obscenity prosecutions during the eight years of the Clinton administration.

Though adult content is, in theory, protected by the First Amendment, only a jury can determine if a work is obscene or not under the subjective set of standards that vary from one community to the next established in the 1973 Supreme Court ruling, Miller v. California.

Text is not inherently more protected than images when it comes to obscenity charges. The erotic fiction website Red Rose Stories is facing obscenity charges after federal agents raided the owner's home on October 3rd, taking computer equipment and diskettes that contained all of their files and site information.

The Department of Justice is clearly hoping that websites will self-censor or remove their content entirely. Midori, a fetish model and SM educator who teaches classes on bondage, has removed her website, BeautyBound.com, citing fear of obscenity prosecution. The owner of three SM websites, known as GrandPa DeSade, removed his websites from the Internet. SuicideGirls.com also announced they are self-censoring their materials over concerns about a possible obscenity crackdown.

Recent prosecutions of obscenity on websites include: A former police officer in Lakeland, Florida, was arrested on October 7th on over 300 obscenity-related charges for the sexual content posted on his website. The same day, webmaster Chris Wilson, owner of amateur website NowThatsFuckedUp.com, was raided on charges of obscenity by a local Sheriff s office.

"I think it's crucial for us to stand up for consensual sadomasochism and other alternative sexual practices," says Barbara Nitke, fetish photographer. "This is a battle worth fighting, and I hope everyone who can will just censor out the most provocative material from their websites, but keep them up. I also appeal to the lawyers in our community to help us find ways to keep people's websites up."

Barbara Nitke and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) have proactively challenged federal obscenity laws as applied to the Internet, arguing that obscenity laws based on "local community standards" are too vague and their existence burdens protected speech, resulting in self-censorship due to the fear of prosecution. A district court three-judge panel in New York ruled that while Nitke and the NCSF members were at risk, more proof was needed that obscenity laws cause otherwise protected speech to be restrained through acts of self-censorship. The case is currently on appeal to the United States Supreme Court.

"The effect of silencing alternative lifestyle speech was exactly why we brought the lawsuit," says attorney John Wirenius, lead counsel for NCSF. "The self- censorship we are seeing underscores the importance of supporting our ongoing obscenity challenge."

To contribute to the appeal of the CDA lawsuit, go to: www.ncsfreedom.org/donations.htm
Barbara Nitke - www.barbaranitke.com
###
A project of NCSF and the NCSF Foundation

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is a national organization committed to creating a political, legal, and social environment in the United States that advances equal rights of consenting adults who practice forms of alternative sexual expression. NCSF is primarily focused on the rights of consenting adults in the SM-leather-fetish, swing, and polyamory communities, who often face discrimination because of their sexual expression.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom
822 Guilford Avenue, Box 127
Baltimore, MD 21202-3707
410-539-4824
media@ncsfreedom.org
www.ncsfreedom.org
Contact:
Susan Wright, NCSF Spokesperson
(917) 848-6544

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 4 replies

re-occurring dream

2005-12-05T23:23:31Z

I'm afraid of a dream of sleeping alone on the deck of a ship under the stars with spirits all around me and old people in the wind speaking about things I don't understand. So beautiful wandering around these strange places in silence, even though I love it in so many ways, I am still afraid of being alone...

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 6 replies

I'm new. So.

2005-11-22T17:10:26Z

My first question, is what KIND of tea? A demon will go, sure, but only if you are packing Lipton. you offer him the good stuff, and you are f#$@#$ed.

Thoughts on types of tea that banish demons faster?

Oh, and hello*grin*

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 7 replies

I'd like to invite

2005-10-28T23:54:41Z

Magistar Ludi no wait Michael no no no wait Jason oh hell The OtherTM and all his sharkpuppy (follower) friends to tea.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 3 replies

There Are No Victims

2005-10-28T20:28:32Z

....only volunteers.

Thoughts ?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 10 replies

the victim

2005-10-01T06:32:04Z

Why don't we
invite the
poor innocent victim
to tea

Is there really any diffence between
a river in denial
and the expectation that we judge this as such?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 30 replies

accepting good things

2005-09-20T18:32:51Z

One of my biggest day to day terrors is accepting positive things in my life. Somewhere deep down, I believe that as soon as I accept that they're real, trust in them, and believe that they'll be there, the moment I accept that, I've signed the papers that makes them go away. Everything from relationships I rely on to a schedule and coworkers I like and that works well for me. And I'm someone with a lot of trouble just living in the now and enjoying it while it lasts. I do enjoy it, but I can never seem to completely free myself of that shadow spectre of "when will this end". Stupid; as a friend has pointed out, what good does worrying about it do? But there it is.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 6 replies

tea anyone?

2005-09-04T23:36:12Z

ive actually found myself inviting my existential terrors to tea ...repeatedly. am i the only one?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 11 replies

Letting go?

2005-07-23T20:17:47Z

Do you let go and hope that your terrors won't follow? Or hold on so that you can always keep them in sight?

Better to know the deamons you face or move forward to meet new deamons?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 14 replies

curious??

2005-06-09T15:44:08Z

Should I serve Black or Jasmine? Crumpets, or the still warm entrails of a sacrificial chicken?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 4 replies

Sceptarcism

2005-05-28T20:33:31Z

http://www.tribe.net/thread/bec05ef1-3304-445a-99b6-585969139ea4?tribeid=a0ea6825-aa37-4e82-8b4a-8d05b6ee3804&r=1

I'll post again, so help me.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

what is a demon ...

2005-05-21T05:24:30Z

.... but a disgruntled spirit?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 40 replies

single white penitent iso archetype...

2005-04-29T21:59:41Z

I think I need a new goddess. Or an archetype. Or something. I want more than just a single actress or a single television or movie role. Something I can study a little more. Something I can communicate with. Something I can invoke.

Check this out and lemme know if it rings any bells...

I'm near positive it's a "she". And her primary trait, or at least one of her primary traits, is that she's social. Probably not a hostess or an entertainer, but someone who enjoys social parties, knows how to work a room. Unlike Venus, who draws things to her, I'm thinking of someone more like saggitarius, more proactive.

It's not about sex, so neither youth nor attractiveness are required, though some level of sexual self awareness is probably required. It's not about social party drugs, though some level of familiarity and ability are probably assumed.

About the best thing I've come up with so far is a modern tv/movie archetype of a new york literary agent.

So... what comes to mind for you?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 2 replies

Existence

2005-04-14T02:24:49Z

People seem to take comfort in the idea of a continuing existence after death. But those people that do don't seem to take into account the possible ramifications of that. What if we are STUCK in existence. i.e. what if we could not NOT exist. Then we would be left no recourse if we were to find out that existence in some deep existential sense sucks ass. (to use philosophy jargon, atleast if you go to a Cal State school.)

Now in a way it is impossible for something NOT to exist, because then it wouldn't be something. Things only change, they don't pop out of existence. So does that mean horses with wings exist? In a way yes, but what they really are is different from what you think they are - they exist as a configuration of some sort in your mind. which is all they really are. Personally I think the mind is all physical, for a dualist, or someone who believes in a soul and or a non-physical mind, this argument doesn't really work so well - since from a dualist perspective there is no reason why something could not pop-out of existence because we have no direct experience of the "other" substance that dualists postulate, but we know in all of our experience that physical things just change and never really pop in and out of existence. So it is likely from a physicalist perspective that we are stuck in existence. But personally I think that conciounes s probably changes so much after death that you might not even be aware of pain or pleasure - or anything familiar to our ordered minds for that matter.

But the possibility that we could be stuck in a fundamentally unpleasant existence is scary. What if we somehow figured out a method to make ourselves forget that we we're stuck in this fundamentally unpleasant existence by temporarily hiding it's true nature from ourselves - and that method was life.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 6 replies

Altered States

2005-04-11T07:39:50Z

Seen this movie from 1980? They could have called IT Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea, I swear... to God. Overblown and dated psychedelic imagery aside, it's easily the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. Gotta love it.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 8 replies

failure

2005-04-04T00:06:00Z

Yep, plain ol' fashioned failure. I fear not being able to scrape it together anymore--flying into pieces or just melting quietly in a corner. I push my boundaries all the time, procrastinating, piling responsibilities and time commitments. I think it's kind of a game I play with myself, a sort of psychological/intellectual Houdini act. And so far, I've always come through with flying colors, but not before inducing extreme states of stress, exhaustion, anxiety, mania. It keeps escalating... I worry that one of these days I won't be able to pull it off.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 6 replies

A Camus Conversation

2005-03-16T06:24:20Z

QUESTION:

If you were to travel back in time and meet Albert Camus, what would you say to or ask him?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 7 replies

this one is almost funny.

2005-03-10T01:16:42Z

hi there.

me, who is always worried about everything, spends a lot of time worrying that my cosmetic surgery wont work perfectly!!

is this stupid.

or what.

yeah, i know.

if i can afford cosmetic surgery i should take my licks.

i can, sort of, & it HURTS, greatly. & it all comes about from all that existential dread.

dread would be the word.

i looked at carnie wilson. i looked at me. i saw that carnie wilson was made human looking for $20,000. i saw that i could fit inside carnie wilson's pre-surgery buttock.

i thought if they could do that to her for $20,000, i could be made to look like rita hayworth for half that, easy. rita hayworth was -filled- w/ existential terrors, btw. long before she had alzheimers.

but even -she- had cosmetic work & they re-did marilyn monroe's nose & jaw. TRUE.

so i worry that i will not look perfect.

this sounds INCREDIBLY stupid, especially coming from a visual radical, whose ideal is ORLAN (at least before she had the horns).

but i bet you there are a billion women out there that can identify w/ it.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 3 replies

Demons as Allies

2005-03-01T19:16:22Z

the way i see it is that my demons have very important information to offer me. I've learned to hang with them (to some degree) and see them as allies. Then i get to see what's hiding out in my psyche and make choices rather than react. Tibeten buddhism talks about the bardo of death and that there is a certain point in death where all of our demons arise. If we can see them as projections of our own minds then we have the opportunity to make the leap to freedom. (some call it enlightenment).

cool stuff!

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 5 replies

Republicans in charge

2005-02-26T09:56:29Z

My existential terror invited itself to tea. Without any wish on my part to confront my worst fear, I am now nonetheless living it. Republicans are in charge of nearly everything. This is my worst-case scenario and I find it so deeply grating and awful that I really don't know how to cope some days. I feel like I'm being raped every time I read the paper or turn on the TV news. I feel like my country has turned the whole (ostensibly noble) concept of democracy into a sick joke. The idea, I think, was that when people get to pick their own leaders they'll pick the best. Instead they picked the worst. And mainly because they have naively bought into a shameless pack of lies that many people, myself included, TOLD them were lies while they still had a chance to make good decisions. It's like watching someone you love impale themselves on a pike in slow motion. It's so awful I have a hard time even comprehending that it's really happening. I think I now know how people who get murdered feel. At first it's disbelief, then indignation, and then finally a terrible self-pity and sadness. That's just what this is like.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 2 replies

Valentine's Day

2005-02-20T20:54:56Z

(I posted something similar to the below in the Depression tribe. The topic seems to fit here as well.)

I invited my existential terrors to a Valentine's Day tea, complete with scones and Devonshire cream, but they sent their regrets. Turned that that they *all* had dates for tonight.

It was the day after Valentine's Day six years ago that my then-husband, completely out of the blue, asked me for a divorce. Every year at this time, my mind replays the day, and I feel shell-shocked all over again. (I am the queen of the "anniversary reaction".)

I have now been divorced more than five years (HALF A DECADE), and the only relationship I've had in all that time lasted only six weeks. (I still refer to that guy as "Stalker Boyfriend".) Women my age have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than remarrying. It's not that I want to get married again. I'm just so tired of being alone.

And Valentine's Day just rubs it in my face. Even though I know otherwise, I can easily convince myself that I am the ONLY person in the world who is alone. Then I fall into despair as I wonder, "Why can I not be loved?"

What keeps me up at night is the fear that I took my *one* chance for love...and blew it.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 7 replies

Hope nobody minds a story about ...

2005-01-17T00:53:10Z

my demons ... it is a faction ... a fiction story mixed with fact. The story is written in an innocent overtone for the sake of entertainment.

G~

Simple Pleasures.

"I had another Demon Morning this morning, Doc. " He wasn't a medical doctor but he had a Ph.D. and Kristie had called him Doc from the first time they met. "I was on mental overload with all those stupid doubts and suspicions. Ugly little insane things they are." The things Kristie referred to she had dubbed her Demons. They were doubts that sometimes overwhelmed her and sent her into what she swore was some kind of madness. She would cry and laugh, hate and love all at the drop of a hat during her brief slides. She knew they only lasted a few hours and by lunch she would have a hold of them but always at the cost of emotional exhaustion.

Doc listened intently. He knew what caused her demons just as she did.

"I started getting mad at them mentally screaming at them to quit when I could find a brief moment between tears. When I was mad enough I decided to turn those little demons toward a more fruitful focus - coming up with something to toot the sweet of this evil tooth I had sprouted this morning and I have something in mind that would do just that."

These demons were malicious in there battle it seemed and she would harbor guilt later for thinking mean thoughts about people who had hurt her over the course of her life. These demons would gnaw at her goodness begging her not to constantly turn the other cheek. They would whittle away at her inability to fight back, at her acceptance that some people were just mean and taunt her to give back what was dished out.

"I would love to purr into Rhonda's ear "So my dear how does it feel to be feeble and old, knowing you are going to die soon and face that moment when your past will come back for you, my sweet, sweet old woman. Do you believe in God? Has He whispered you are forgiven in your ear? Is He waiting to greet you? Is anything waiting to greet you? Do you feel it in your heart - the doubts, the lack of faith, the fear of not know what awaits you in the abyss of death?" The words poured out soft and venomously.

"You are a lot nicer than me." He replied. Doc knew that this wound having recently been reopened was causing Kristie distress. He loathed the idea that this hateful woman would have reason to physically make a presence in Kristie life again after the years she had spent learning to let go of that painful time. Forgiving the woman that had beat Kristie regularly for two years to get back at her father, the woman's husband, had been quite a struggle for Kristie. Now as much as she tried to admit it to herself and him, he knew Kristie was struggling with it again.

"Oh imagine the pain a few words can inflict, so much worse than any physical act can in penetrating your very soul. Oh the power of words spewed forth from an authority figure in vehement distaste to a ten-year-old. She said she would kill me if anyone found out." There was a long silence as glimpses of that horrid woman face spat out threats to her shaking ten-year-old face. "Oh the power a few whispered words from that same ten year old now in a 40 year old body to that now 70 plus year old, weak-hearted woman about her impending death. The power of words spoken or not." She spoke this last thought as if she was listening to the words rather than speaking them. She smiled she had learned how to harness the power of words from a young age. She had learned how a few well meant words had the power to calm and sooth or how just as few could send a susceptible person into a torrential rage.

"Hey Sweets, you still there? Feeling a little better now?" Kevin and Kristie shared an unequaled friendship in most circles. He so enjoyed her bright, light-hearted attitude toward life, it so complimented his rather serious view. Through her he had learned rather slowly to stop and smell that proverbial rose and even the joys of walking barefoot in the rain. He on the other hand lent her the serious that was sometimes needed when looking at events in her life, both past and present.

"Hmmm I am feeling a little better now, this one lasted longer than usual. These little demons need to feed I guess and that little ditty fed them nicely. Might as well have the fun now, right? I don't think much of what troubles us in life follows us into death, so thinking I will wait and get a taste of her then well ... just seems ridiculous. I am sure...." She paused "Wait I take that back I am not sure but what I was thinking is all the malice we hold in this form surely must shed away when we are released from our bodies. So where is the fun in that? What pleasures would I have in waiting to see her in hell as I am sure I will." What simple pleasures words can bring forth, she thought, her mind suddenly switching directions as it often did. "Oh Doc you are so sweet. Look here I have been rambling away as usual but it was such a horrible morning and I so needed to share it with someone."

"Kristie I always have time for you." He replied and he did. The symbiotic relationship followed equally back and forth between them. "Hey what about brunch on Sunday? They have a nice set-up at the lodge. We could drive up on Friday and make it a weekend at the cabin?" Kevin knew they could both use a little quiet time.

"Oh Doc yes, lets." Even she heard the relief in her voice.

"Why don't you bring your paints I will pick up a few canvasses and we can paint demons and then burn them down by the lake. Sound good?"

Kristie squealed her delight. "That sounds perfect. Love you Doc, I have to run, it is time to close up and get home."

"Ok Baby, talk to you soon." Kevin laid the phone in the cradle. A weekend at the cabin would settle her demons for a while. Giving her something pleasant to focus on pushing them back into the cracks and crevasses in her mind till they found strength to mutiny again.

Copyrighted 2002

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

howsabout that lingering.

2005-01-10T05:15:27Z

okay, heres mine.

i worry that i will finally get to the end of my rope, take shooting classes (my friend who was a gun champ in ohio (& who is the one who actually -did- have scurvy, as an aside, INSISTS i take lessons if i intend to ever shoot), i shoot myself in the snow, in the heart & not the head & it doesnt take & i linger for everyone to take care of me.

is that a good existential terror.

i have a living will. i -hate- being taken care of.

suggestions?? compatriots??

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 4 replies

"I've got scurvy, I've been at sea too long"

2005-01-05T18:49:23Z

except it's solar keratosis, and it's the sun not the sea.

I just love the way that rolls off of the old lips. Provided some dreaded form of skin malaise doesn't force them to cut those lips off. heh.

Just call me "Scarneck."

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 3 replies

scrutiny

2005-01-03T02:48:08Z

i'm afraid that if i voiced my Existential Terrors in a public forum it would come back to haunt me.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 2 replies

no address

2005-01-01T08:14:57Z

Am I alloud to love thee?
choices cause a stir
and blur potential love
would you leave me if you had a chance with someone more attractive?
many people stay in their relations because no one else will accept them and love them completely
at what extent do you wish to be accepted? completely?
am i alloud to love thee?
do you want me because you enjoy the chase?
or do you love me completely?
will you be available?
or resist me?
will you be proud of me and involve me as family?
will you approve of me to write this floetry?
will you expect me to be different and get upset when i do not meet your expectations?
or will you support my decisions knowing that i use discretion for well being of all
do you love me enough to stay, to returm, to compromise, to let go of your ego and please me, caress me, cuddle me, hold my hand unheedingly?
will you answer your phone even when im crying? and rescue me?
will you love me the way we dream of?
or will you tease me?
will you appreciate our conversations and silentses?
our ups and downs?
will you accept my need to speak and act out my passions?
will you believe in me, be patient, and teach me?
will you fly with me on magic star sprinkeled skies?
or will you be afraid to leave the ground? i will not drop thee.
will you be my angel just entralled to complete me? to kiss me?
will you give yourself to me freely?
I am confused but when you are here to reassure me I forget my confusion.
will you help me find that place we call home? in your heart will i have a safe place??
aren't these the blessings your wish for 2??

If man is in love and loves what vanishes (moby dick)
then why do i love you because you are here?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 1 reply

my friend is dying

2004-12-28T19:08:55Z

he has leaukemia, is going through his fifth round of chemo and has been given six months to live.

Sorry this sounds so dramatic. This is all I can write right now.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 5 replies

...and being torn to pieces in the middle of the ocean

2004-12-27T20:08:17Z

Walking after someone I care about as they hurry down an endlessly long lane paved with autumn leaves and closed off on both sodes by the high walls of some massive estate. Walking after them as they seem to pick up speed that i just can't match cuz my legs are just not long enough. Running as they get smaller and smaller until i lose them around the bend of the lane's massive circumfrence.

That one and waking up headfirst, halfway in the mouth of a mamoth anaconda while sleeping somewhere lush and jungle-like.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 2 replies

my future, or: the quarter-life crisis

2004-12-17T08:03:10Z

I got all the way to gradumate school thinking I was set, and now I'm confused as hell about what I'm doing and where I want to be!

Sub-terrors include:

a lifetime in academia
insignificance
boredom/drudgery
insufficient intelligence/failure
the Northeast (living this one daily!)

Yeesh.

a

p.s. new here--hallo!

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 27 replies

Bees

2004-12-13T03:50:44Z

The other night I had a dream where another person and I encountered a
bees nest... Somehow bees got in my ears. I could feel them buzzing around
and vibrating.

I was so afraid I would be stung. I'm allergic. happily I awoke.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 11 replies

attention

2004-12-10T17:01:25Z

all life needs energy
and friends need friends
and we all need love
for a full life depends
not on vast riches
or great acclaim
not on success
or worldly fame
but just in knowing
that someone cares
and holds us close
in their thoughts and prayers
for only the knowledge
that we are desired
makes everyday living
feel wonderfully fired
and we rob ourselves
of lifes greatest need
when we lock up our hearts
and fail to heed
the outstretched hand
reaching to find
a kindred spirit
whos heart and mind
are lonely and longing
to somehow share
our joys and sorrows
and make us aware
that lifes completeness
and vibrance depends
on how we share
our energy with friends

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 3 replies

loving unwisely

2004-11-26T17:12:17Z

I fear hurting others by loving unwisely...

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 21 replies

Shadows...

2004-11-23T19:44:38Z

Yes, there are Shadows on tribe. Personally, it scares me. I don't intend to invite any of them to tea. Ever.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 9 replies

Consequences of Broken Promises

2004-11-22T05:52:19Z

Yes, there can be consequences when you don't call someone back when you promised to, especially when it was for taking them out, etc. I "promise" to say more about this RSN.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 0 replies

Tedium of Obligation

2004-11-05T23:40:17Z

Any project that interests me becomes a requirement to fulfill.

Why persue it once it seems obligatory? -- because there is "nothing else" to do.

Actually, by the time that occurs, I'm in the process of developing a new and less relevant interest. I'd go into business selling ideas, but I'd move on pretty abruptly to who-knows-what.

Do people really find satisfying meaning in discipline? How?

I guess they direct their concern toward others...

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 2 replies

myself

2004-09-27T13:09:26Z

Could I invite myself to tea? You know...just to get over the self loathing? There's something suspiciously solipsistic about that...

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 10 replies

the core

2004-09-18T07:02:01Z

my first remembered, and the most central "e.t." throughout my life is that "this pain/suffering will go on forever, it will never end ..... "

i shudder just seeing those words, let alone recognizing this as a constant companion for me, the undercurrent.

although it has lessened by way of much face-to-face with the demon, and much conscious effort to recognize the deeper truths that i do abide by, resonate stronger and truer within.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 11 replies

Half Orcs R U

2004-09-16T21:01:17Z

18 August 2004 | STORIES
Transcripts of OnStar Service Conversations Not Selected for Commercials

You’ve heard the spots, where the helpful voice of the OnStar satellite representative rushes to the aid of the panicked motorist. But have you heard them all? John Warner digs through the transcripts that didn’t make the final cut.

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: My ice cream, it’s locked in the car, and it’s melting.

OnStar: Your ice cream is melting?

Customer: Yes, please hurry! It’s like 200 degrees in there!

OnStar: What kind of ice cream is it, ma’am?

Customer: Rocky road!

OnStar: I’m unlocking the vehicle now, ma’am.

Customer: Hurry! My three-year-old is in the car, too! I’m worried he’s going to eat the ice cream! I don’t want him to get fat! That would reflect poorly on my parenting skills!

OnStar: OK, the vehicle should be unlocked now, ma’am, and I’m just going to go ahead and notify child protective services right now, too.

Customer: Oh my God! Damn it! God!

OnStar: Ma’am? Ma’am? Is everything all right? Should I dispatch an ambulance?

Customer: Ambulance? No, but I could use a Good Humor man, this shit’s totally cashed.

* * *

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hey, so, I got an important package in the trunk, but I think I locked my keys in with it when I was dispatching…er…loading it.

OnStar: Not a problem, sir, I’m unlocking the trunk now.

Customer: [sound of trunk opening] Whooo…Jesus, that stinks!

OnStar: Are you OK, sir?

Customer: Yeah, yeah. I just got to get rid of this package as soon as possible. Say, can you give me directions to an abandoned quarry, or maybe some remote wooded spot where I could leave my package?

OnStar: Sure thing. I’m showing that there’s an empty shaft at an old silver mine three miles southwest of your location.

Customer: Perfect! That’s great, perfect. I’m going to need a car wash, too. Someplace discreet, if you know what I’m saying.

OnStar: Absolutely, sir. You and OnStar are speaking the same language.

* * *

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hi, I have a problem.

OnStar: How can I help, sir?

Customer: I’m…umm…27, and still a virgin.

OnStar: How old are you really, sir?

Customer: Twenty-nine?

OnStar: Sir?

Customer: Thirty-six.

OnStar: [partially off mike] Holy shit!

Customer: [muffled crying]

OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. I’m going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?

Customer: Yes.

OnStar: And if your Grakthorian Troll with +12 charisma and 170 hit points were to be attacked by a gelatinous cube, what would you do?

Customer: I would don my cloak of invisibility and bypass the cube to enter the dungeons of Dalagdon.

OnStar: I think I know the answer to the next one, but they make me run down the whole list. Do you live with your mother, or a spinster aunt?

Customer: Both. [weeping]

OnStar: And how often do you masturbate?

Customer: What? Never!

OnStar: Sir.

Customer: Three times a day.

OnStar: And do you look at anime comics while you engage in self-pleasure?

Customer: How did you know?

OnStar: Thank you for your patience, sir, I think we’re just about at a solution. What I’m seeing here is that you are going to have to pay for sex. Is this Visa you have on file with us good to use?

Customer: Yeah, uh, it should be…

OnStar: Sounds good. We’ll forward your payment info on to the dispatching office. Now, what I want you to do is drive 6.2 miles north to the corner of Laurel Avenue, and wait there for a “Miss Star.” She’ll be wearing a leopard-skin skirt and an OnStar jacket. She’ll take care of you from there. All right, I just sent the detailed directions to your on-board navigation system.

Customer: Wow, thank you, OnStar! Maybe I can come thank you in person some time!

OnStar: We’d rather you didn’t.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 8 replies

Random Violence

2004-09-16T20:57:37Z

I'm a bit freaked out right now.

I just learned a good friend of mine was injured
last night while riding his bike.

Apparently somone swung a bat at him.
I know his collarbone is broken, and I'm on my way
over to check out how he's doing.

I'm horrified, upset and outraged.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 4 replies

journal

2004-09-16T20:54:27Z

I was just informed that I left my journal sitting at
the table at a meeting I was at the morning.

Someone I know, but don't really trust has it for me.

Oh, the dread....

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 8 replies

Loneliest in a crowd

2004-09-13T19:39:35Z

Ever since I was a kid I always felt loneliest at big parties. The bigger the more lonely. Always. I love hosting parties – that makes me happy cus then I can run around taking care of things and enjoy watching the people I care about most enjoy each other.

R

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 7 replies

here's my fear

2004-09-09T00:51:52Z

that I'll never feel totally comfortable meeting new friends.

Besides my friends that I've known since I was 15 and in my early twenties, I haven't made any lasting, deep friendships. Does it get harder to make friends as one gets older? Or am I just anti-social? Or somehow uncomfortable with myself? Or all of the above?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 15 replies

sleep

2004-09-05T04:56:59Z

get this thing, I'm asleep, and I'm dreaming, and, in my dream, I feel like I desperately need to wake up. and if I don't I will die. all I have to do is move a finger, and I will wake up. usually I am totally horrified and filled with fear that I won't be able to do it. suddenly, I can move a finger, and I come rushing back to consciousness.

I do not care for it one bit. .

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 6 replies

will I ever

2004-08-18T16:33:58Z

not fuck up a new scintillating romance with comments and behavior that stem from my own tired & ragged issues??!

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 9 replies

nuclear annihilation

2004-08-15T13:33:15Z

As a child I used to wake up from bad dreams along this theme,

and it continues to be the most horrific nightmarish fear I have.

GWBush & his usable nukes proposals add a new layer..

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 17 replies

4 more years

2004-08-07T21:32:49Z

In reading the nuclear annhiliation thread I realized that my biggest fear is 4 more years of the sociopathic preppie moron.

Aggressive and dumb - he's the human version of a moose. At least Kerry is a horse.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 3 replies

dogs

2004-08-06T18:27:47Z

i used to be deathly afraid of dogs. now i have one. and i love her more than all the humans in my life combined.

problem: she has a really high prey drive. need to keep her on a leash at all times because she chases cars.

*she's gonna get hit by a car someday*

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 25 replies

Drowning

2004-08-03T05:04:17Z

I think my only [irrational?] fear is of drowning and I don't mean by swimming. I am not afraid of water. However, I don't want to go anywhere by ship.

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 12 replies

tea as self-medication

2004-07-29T16:29:26Z

as a separate but related thread to the the airplane post, I would be interested to know how you feel about medicating yourself through particularly tough patches. alcohol, pills, meditation, marijuana, sleep, sex, sports, art, or any other types of immersion that can distract or otherwise sooth the soul, albeit temporarily?

posted in Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea - 2 replies

Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea's topics - tribe.net

Nightmares make my life hell. Help!

what vice do you use to keep your terrors at bay

Is God In The Ground Crew?

Black Dakini ~The Dark Face of the Void

short film: APT + Kontrabrand - The Litany

Children and Fatherhood-

New Moon in Taurus

getting old and becoming an absurd character

Happiness or Meaning

honesty

newbie question

How to Invite Your Existential Terrors to Tea

Do you like me?

Existential terror survivors at 37,000 feet

Being the Existential Terror in Someone else's eyes

Do you think some deamons are genetically encoded

new

From the mouth of Yoda...

How is your phobia a metaphor

The Fourth Dimension by John Grau

Tough one-Caution! Heavy stuff inside!

When fears come true

My Greatest Fear

Big Brother

Infestations

terms

the censors

re-occurring dream

I'm new. So.

I'd like to invite

There Are No Victims

the victim

accepting good things

tea anyone?

Letting go?

curious??

Sceptarcism

what is a demon ...

single white penitent iso archetype...

Existence

Altered States

failure

A Camus Conversation

this one is almost funny.

Demons as Allies

Republicans in charge

Valentine's Day

Hope nobody minds a story about ...

howsabout that lingering.

"I've got scurvy, I've been at sea too long"

scrutiny

no address

my friend is dying

...and being torn to pieces in the middle of the ocean

my future, or: the quarter-life crisis

Bees

attention

loving unwisely

Shadows...

Consequences of Broken Promises

Tedium of Obligation

myself

the core

Half Orcs R U

Random Violence

journal

Loneliest in a crowd

here's my fear

sleep

will I *ever*

nuclear annihilation

4 more years

dogs

Drowning

tea as self-medication

will I ever